Now That I'm 20

I made this pledge to remind me of what i want to do and change on myself as i venture towards the 3rd deacade of my life and enter the complicated world of adulthood.

Now That I'm 20 ...

~ i will go on an ultimate laag with my friends to wherever our money can bring! someday, we'll go to rome, paris, london, and carribean cruises...

~ i will be more independent. i'll try not to rely more on my parents coz i might be moving out soon

~ i will learn how to drive. para i can join my friends sa nightlife without my parents worrying of how i'll get home.

~ i will learn a new skill.. and belly dancing sounds fun! hehe.. (am trying to enhance the body and creativity side of me)

~ i will face and conquer my fears of speaking in front of a public, spiders, taking meds specifically capsules and tablets, return demonstrations and being alone.

~ i will learn a new language. who knows a cheap chinese tutor?

~ i will ride the plane ALONE!

~ i will read more, again. just like what i used to do when i was little.

~ i will not be naive and gullible to unknown people. (unknown = those who wants to be my friends and i am unaware of who they really are.)

~ i will exercise more and love the body God gave me. i will eat only those nutritious foods. (this means that i need to reduce weight.)

~ i will be more confident of myself and try not to be shy anymore.

~ i will be more responsible of my actions.

~ i will join a civic or religious organization. for extra-co activities and community involvement. (rest assured i won't join any political rallies.)

~ i will sing in public... hehe.. i hope i can do this.

~ i will love my family more and cherish every single moment with them before they exile me to another country for work opportunities.. hehe.. (ma, joke lang yun exile part.)

~ i will show my honey how much i care about him. (coz he thinks man na i don't love u!)

~ i will be more thrifty and i will spend only on more important things. i will value each and every single peso that i have. (i hope i can increase my savings by the end of this year).

~ i will be a more dependable friend.

~ i will devote my spare time to God, pray often and read the Bible habitually. i will be like my brother and be a good Christian.

~ and lastly, i will keep this pledge and ensure that i abide by every single "WILLS".

note: i understand that i have to do this one at a time. my goal is that i have to accomplish the pledge and stand for it within the next five years.

sgd: Anne Pamela Boholst Panganiban

weird..

am feeling weird today... and i don't know why..

i have this feeling that i am being watched.. call me paranoid but its true!

it started last week.. Friday to be exact..

i was sitting at the back of the bus. everyone were talking.. they were teasing one classmate with another, our teacher with the driver, and another classmate with several innocent men waiting for a PUJ. on the other hand, it was fun listening to one of my friend's singing.. the songs that he sings are so relaxing.. it reminds of sleep.. hehehe..

suddenly, i heard someone blurted out my name.. for some unknown reasons.. i tried to find out who it was.. but everyone were just busy chatting.. shouting to be exact. but then, a certain group was quiet and silently giggling at each other..

i looked at them for a while. i noticed Z was trying to prevent somebody from saying something.. some were looking at me with strange faces.. like something's there that they're hiding from me.. i didn't understand them quite well at first.. i just thought that maybe they're not really talking about me..

the group had agreed to watch a movie that afternoon.. since i have nothing to do, i decided to join them. it took me a while to get dressed.. i had three change of clothes before finally deciding what to wear.. a green racerback blouse and pedal pumps.. i don't know what happened to me that i suddenly became conscious of my appearance.. like i have to be appropriately as if am trying to impress someone..

i arrived exactly on time and i found that only three people had arrived before me. a couple and someone i knew way back in high school.. i found myself looking for someone who wasn't still there.. as i wait and time passes, my heart seemed to beat faster..

slowly, people arrived and then that person was there.. Z didn't noticed me at first.. i felt relieved.. but as people exchanged greetings, Z found me hiding behind somebody's back.. i was conscious and thoughts had been racing inside my head.. at that moment, Z was just shocked.. because i never dressed like that before.. and people thought i never will..

we never really get to have a talk at that time.. i felt awkward.. i was acting like a high school student again.. and i promised myself that i won't be liked before.. i decided not to entertain the feelings or thoughts anymore and concentrated on watching the movie.. i was sitting beside the teacher and Z was there in front of me.. i could only see Z's back...

after the movie, we had a small circle.. people were commenting about the movie.. everyone shared their ideas.. but one thing i'll never ever forget from that is a "nasty" complement from one of those i consider my ate.. it was about me, my "asset" and the attire that i was wearing i guess.. maybe it just showed to much skin or my cleavage.. that's why she was able to give that comment.. the complement spread to all my groupmates and to Z.. i was worried and i felt like running away to hide the embarrassment. good thing someone blurted out that somebody was about to go home.. whew.. what a relief!

i thought everything's done.. i could go home and forget what happened.. but then, my groupmates thought of having dinner together.. it was a nice idea since the place they picked is just near our house! i went with them even though i know that i couldn't afford to eat anymore.. i pretended to be full..

good thing for me, my bf came to the rescue.. he saved me from the hunger and allowed me to be deviated from my thoughts.. it was funny.. i was seated at the end part of the table and i couldn't hear a thing from what's going o n or the chit-chats occuring between my friends.. sometimes, i tried to pretend that i was watching the tv to hide the longing that i want to stare at Z or talk to Z.. if i ever had the courage..

weekend came.. the event that occured last Friday still bothered me.. i thought of other things but then thoughts about Z and Friday's event still lingered in my mind..

today.. everything seemed to be fine.. first thing i did was to greet Z.. i never felt the anxiety that i had when i was with him. and i knew, at that moment, that everything will be back to normal.. it never passed from my thoughts that something strange will happen again..
at the bus ride, as i was talking to a friend, i saw someone with a weird smile.. like it has an underlying meaning.. i tried not to fret about it or pay particular attention.. but i can't help it since she was sitting behind my friend, whom i was talking to.. (assuming girl! but if it ever happened to you, wouldn't you find it weird also? for people to just smile weirdly? am not in a psych ward so i know that normal individuals would never look nor smile at me that way.. ) we continued to chit-chat.. and then, she stopped.. Z was sitting at the back of the bus, innocently listening on a music gadget..

anyway, i felt uncomfortale looking or talking to Z again.. i kept the thoughts to myself coz i know this will just pass and that maybe (i hoped!) that i was just imagining things..
we went to do our businesses in the community... i tried to look for patients.. i never bothered where Z was going or what the other people were doing.. after a lot of interviews and finding our secret paradise, me and two friends returned from our paradise to the "base". i was soo tired from all the hiking and climbing.. i looked for a place where i can sit and rest.. the only space available was beside Z.. i had no options left so i sat right beside Z..

there was no tension between us.. Z asked me where i went.. (nakita siguro niya na GGB na un life ko! ) i told Z about our secret paradise and the different sites we passed by.. i asked Z what happened to their class and it was a success.. then period of silence.. i could only hear my heart beating so fast and the sound of my breathing to compensate for the oxygen consumed.. and then i saw it again...

two friends staring at us.. with weird smiles planted on their faces.. i don't know what to do.. i waited for Z to react and see if Z noticed it too.. i asked Z.. the reply was "ambot naunsa na siya..".. then poof! story ended..

i woke up and it was all just a dream..

Love of My Life

INTRO
Oh, love of my life, destined forever
I will be right here by your side
No fallin’ tears when we’re together
You know the joy you bring to me

REFRAIN
(Never) There’ll be no other
We’ll share as lovers right from the heart
Up from my mind to your soul, I will give it to you, girl
My every little thing that I’m more than willing
I will give to you

CHORUS
Forever starts from now, I promise you
Loving you is all that I can do
No one can take it away from me, nobody but you

INTERLUDE
Oh, now is the time, stars will be bright
Our bodies will groove all through the night
Come take my hand then we’ll fly
Come on, baby, hear me say

[Repeat REFRAIN]
[Repeat CHORUS except last two words]

BRIDGE
There’ll be no time for sad goodbyes
Without you here, I can’t get by
Don’t you go away

- pamie in singing mode

summer 2006

my summer 2006 was a combination of all things.. a lot has happened this summer!

>> i had a great vacation spent with my family! we went to batangas, mindoro and baguio. visited some relatives and shopped at greenhills and divisoria! bought lots of stuff for me! ehehe..

>> went horseback riding in baguio for the first time.. my horse's name was HERO and he's all white.. (though he stinks a little.. hehe..)

>> picked strawberries at the strawberry farm! quite expensive cause it's P150/kilo..

>> went to the PINOY BIG BROTHER house! had pictures taken outside.. its dark lang because the teen edition hasn't started yet! =(

>> saw my mom's stepsisters and stepbrother... for the first time!

>> went on a 4-weeks duty

>> experienced being a scrub nurse at vicente sotto.. and swear i won't repeat again!

>> saw the condition of the patients and staff at a public hospital.. its just unfair! i pity both the patients and the staff.. the patients do not receive the proper care they need.. and the staff are not truly compensated for their hardwork and efforts.. tsk tsk...

>> saw dead babies at the nursery.. it's scary! and the reason that they died is due to the lack of facilities.. 3 babies sharing one incubator is not right. to think these babies need intensive care.. the philippine health care facilities are not sufficient anymore..

>> had a fling! haha.. secretly done. but the fling didn't last and i decided to stay on with the current relationship.

>> my cellphone was stolen.. (so sad..) i shouldn't have trusted anyone.. especially people you don't really know.

>> spent the rest of the summer in depression mode! =( haven't totally gotten over the loss of something valuable for me. still at the denial stage of grief..

>> wishes that in the remianing 4 days of summer vacation, something absolutely nice would happen to me. hahaha..

Newbie...

Hello! Am a NEWBIE here! This is my first blog. Just trying on something new. ü 'Til here lang muna! mwahhh...